Post by Chad on Nov 22, 2005 10:41:50 GMT -5
It's almost that time of the year again
the Holiday Shopping Season.
So, for the dingbats out there,
here's your list of parking rules.
For the non-dingbats, be aware
that the dingbats will be out in full-force,
and here are their rules:
Rule No. 1:
When waiting for a parking spot,
stop in the middle of the road,
don't signal, and orient your car
diagonally to prevent others
from passing.
Rule No. 2:
Always park on the lines, taking up
as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3:
In a crowded parking lot,
if you find a spot and have
the opportunity to pull through
to an adjacent one, drive up
halfway and stop on the line,
taking both.
Rule No. 4:
As you pull into a spot,
if you see that the space
ahead of you is empty
and you see another driver
signaling to take it, pull through
and take it from him.
Rule No. 5:
Always park close enough
to the adjacent car so that
the other driver must grease up
with Vaseline to squeeze into
his or her car.
Rule No. 6:
When getting out of your car,
hit the adjacent vehicle
with your door really hard.
Rule No. 7:
When driving through the parking lot,
ignore the painted lanes
and drive diagonally from one end
to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule No. 8:
When stopped in front of a store
and waiting for a friend/relative
to make a purchase, make sure
that you are stopped
in the middle of the road.
The same rule applies to
picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule No. 9:
When a vehicle from the opposite direction
is signaling and waiting for
a parking space, position your car
so that you are in his way
and let the car behind you take it.
Rule No. 10:
If you have handicapped license plates,
use up a regular parking spot.
Rule No. 11:
If you hit the adjacent car
with your door and leave a dent,
wait for a car, which is painted
the same color as yours,
to drive down the aisle
looking for a place to park.
Then back out, giving up your spot
like "Mr. Good Guy,"
and park somewhere else.
Rule No. 12:
If the vehicle in front of you
stops to let a pedestrian
cross or another vehicle turn,
pull into the lane of opposite traffic
and attempt to pass him.
Rule No. 13:
When exiting a shopping center
into a busy road,
exit through the narrow
"ENTER ONLY" driveway,
stick the nose of the car
into traffic, and wait.
Rule No. 14:
When driving through a parking lot
with alternating one- way aisles
and angled parking spots,
drive the wrong way.
Then when you see a parking space,
take 20 minutes to do
a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule No. 15:
Always leave your shopping cart
behind or tightly between
parked vehicles.
Rule No. 16:
Empty your ashtrays on the ground
in shopping center parking lots.
While you're at it,
dump out all the garbage too,
including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag
sitting in the back seat
from breakfast.
Rule No. 17:
If you are forced to change
an infant's diaper in a parking lot,
leave the soiled diaper
under the car next to you.
Rule No. 18:
When another vehicle is waiting
for you to pull out of a spot
in a crowded parking lot,
take your time.
Adjust the mirrors,
your seat, and the radio.
Roll down your window,
light a cigarette,
and eat your lunch.
Feel free to go through
your shopping bags and look
at what you just bought.
Rule No. 19:
When pulling into a parking spot,
if there is a shopping cart in the way,
lightly tap it with your bumper
and send it rolling into another car.
Then, when you step out,
if the cart is still too close,
push it down the parking lot aisle
and let it go.
While the cart is flying solo,
turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule No. 20:
When walking back to your car
in a busy shopping center,
gesture to other drivers
waiting for a spot to make them think
that you are getting in the car and leaving.
Then walk between the cars
to the next aisle and do it again